Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
this is me
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts