[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
You Might Also Like
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies