Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen