5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I laughed at this way too hard.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family