Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
You Might Also Like
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
i want to work in this restaurant
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit