Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
what are they serving at kfc then???
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
When they try to steal your moment.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
the clam before the storm
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored