[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.