Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
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Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
one of
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]