Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
You Might Also Like
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I pray every night that I never become religious…
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”