[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I’m too immature for adultery.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary