Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
This guy gets it.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.