I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun