Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Food gives you energy to nap more.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Apparently Iâve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Woke up against my better judgement again
Received some very disappointing news today
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
đđˇ
đ˝
âsup shortyâ – a giraffe, probably
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WONâT HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Hagrid: youâre a gizzard Harry
Harry: iâm a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbaccaâs fur.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er