*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force