I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
tell em, edith-anne
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.