Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Breaking news:
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’