This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The smoothest fall of all time
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.