If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.