instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
You Might Also Like
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My new favorite headline
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.