My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that