This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
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wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow