Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
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My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.