This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”