ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“No way.” -Jose
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.