ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
This is me 🤣🤣
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms