firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*seductively eats two tums*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Growing up was a huge mistake
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.