The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I told my vodka about you.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)