Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
You Might Also Like
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.