In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.