If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub