Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
You Might Also Like
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I didn’t realize that was an option
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
did it work
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.