Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then