Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫