Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
based al yankovic
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.