What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
describing stardew valley
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles