Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
just got my engagement photos
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Krampus.