I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”