It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.