Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
You Might Also Like
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???