When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
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Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Stop sending me this shit.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About