It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
That’s incredible! 👌
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.