Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.