[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.