My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡