Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
doing your own taxes
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.