Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.