I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
had to share :’)
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]