her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
You Might Also Like
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses