*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Huge, if true.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Pringles
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.