*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.